Disclaimer: This is a post about weight and dieting. If this is a triggering subject for you, please be responsible for yourself and don’t read it.
I’ve talked a little bit about my history with weight loss here before. I’ve touched on the subject of my history with dieting in extreme and unhealthy ways. I’ve said to myself, here, and to others that I’m never going on another diet again. I wrote a post about it, for goodness sake.
But I’ve been thinking lately about the notion of a “happy weight”. This term gets thrown around a lot. I think it’s easy to confuse the term “happy weight” and it’s meanings, which may be different from person to person.
Here’s what I mean:
Definition #1: Happy weight – a weight that you dream about weighing, where you will be the absolute happiest with your body
Definition #2: Happy weight – a weight that you can maintain with little effort, the weight into which your body settles
Definition #3: Happy weight – a weight where you physically and mentally feel your best, you’re happy with your physical appearance, but maintaining it doesn’t impose a burden on your mental health
These definitions aren’t mutually exclusive. Hopefully, there is some overlap for each of us.
I guess the next logical question is how do I define my happy weight. What does this weight look like to me? More importantly, what does this weight feel like to me?
If I’m being honest with myself, I have to say Definition #3 resonates most with me. And if I’m being brutally honest with myself, I have to admit that I do not feel like I am at my happy weight. I feel like I am close, but not quite there.
Sometimes my clothes pinch in all the wrong places, my jeans feel a bit too tight, and I don’t look my best in clothes I used to love to wear. You know these clothes…the clothes that have been hanging out in my closet without being worn or only worn occasionally with certain other garments that make them more appealing. Too tight pants with a long shirt, too tight shirt with another layer…you know.
I’ve been feeling this way for a while. Then, I felt guilty for feeling this way. Because I’m not supposed to want to diet, right? I’m supposed to be content with the way I am. I eat healthy enough. I believe in intuitive eating. I believe in trusting your body. I believe if you’re really in-tune with your body’s signals, you will find your “happy weight”.
But despite my best efforts to listen, I’m still not completely happy with my weight.
I think sometimes my listener is broken. I believe I eat healthier than most people. But, I also think I eat more than most people. I’m a very tiny person so in reality, I need less food than most people. However, I often eat as much as the people around me, regardless of how hungry I am. Even though I’ve drastically changed my eating habits in the past 10 years, figuring out the amount of food to eat that both nourishes my body and helps me feel my best has somewhat alluded me.
My journey in finding what works best for me, is just that — a journey.
I learned about calories and macronutrients in my early 20′s. I learned that a calorie is energy and when you take in too much energy, your body converts calories to fat. Unfortunately, that’s about as far as I got in my understanding of calories for some time and I tried to survive off of a very small amount of calories in order to reach my ideal weight.
I ate a lot of diet foods, 100 calorie packs, and anything that filled me up with the least amount of calories possible. If something was 100 calories versus 105 calories, I chose the lesser of the two every time. I tallied everything methodically and flat out refused to eat anything that was an “unknown”. The prospect of eating out at a restaurant that didn’t post calories online sent me into panic. When I found it impossible to meet my unrealistic and restrictive diet, I felt hopeless and was very hard on myself for not living up to my ideal.
Moving back in with my family for two months after graduating college helped me get over this restrictive mindset. Surrounded by food I grew up loving and being in an environment of people who loved me, helped me to put my guard down when it came to eating. After moving out on my own to be a teacher, I still struggled with this from time to time. I turned to restrictive diets again and again, but somehow never had the willpower to keep at it like I had before.
Once I met Brad a little less than two years later, my eating changed. I began cooking and enjoying food more and more as we shared meals together. Eating became a celebration. And every successful execution of a recipe was cause to celebrate. As I tried new and different foods and cooking techniques, my relationship with food changed. I didn’t fear food as I did before and how could I? Cooking brought Brad and I closer together. We fell in love over shared meals; meals in restaurants and meals I cooked for him or we cooked together. For the first time, I saw how preparing food for someone was a way to show love.
And then, things changed again. About two years later, I got out of graduate school and started a new job. I moved in with Brad and began my life in Charlotte. Then, one day, I stumbled upon healthy living blogs and just like that, I was opened to a new world of healthy eating. I wouldn’t say my diet in the past few years leading up to that was extremely unhealthy. But finding healthy living blogs was a revelation. The knowledge I learned from them radically changed my eating habits.
I actually learned to like vegetables. I gave up most of the processed foods. I turned to whole foods when I was hungry. I virtually stopped taking short cuts in cooking that involved pre-made things and learned to make most things from scratch. When I was in a pinch and needed a quick meal, I made an egg or a salad, rather than eat a frozen meal or a bowl of cereal. I learned why eating organic produce, grass-fed beef and free range poultry was important for my health and changed my eating habits to reflect my new understanding. I learned that a plant based diet was optimal and learned to do interesting things with plant based protein that both Brad and I enjoy.
However, I still hold onto some of my bad habits. I eat when I’m not hungry because it’s time to eat. I eat because the food looks good and I might never see this food again. Seriously, as crazy as it is, this is how I feel about food sometimes. I eat from boredom. I eat because I deserve it. I eat because I had a bad day. I eat because I need comfort. I eat because I exercised. I’m full, but I should eat some more because after all, I did exercise.
I’m ready to change this.
What a beautiful, honest and refreshing post! Thank you for sharing!
Kelly, I am in the process of regaining my happy weight through the help of a doctor and registered dietician. I also eat when I really don’t need too. Often when I am stressed out and feeling blue. The dietician that i work with recommended the book Beck Diet Solutions. I am about half way through the book and it is giving me so great advise. Love your blog!
I can totally relate to your struggles. I went through cycles of my life with restrictive eating and overeating. It took an illness for me to realize the value of good nutrition and the importance of intuitive eating. I’ve made significant progress in my healthy journey, but I definitely have times where I struggle. Whenever this happens, I just reign in my portion sizes, and focus on intuitive eating. This always helps me return to my happy weight.
Thanks for sharing your struggles in such an honest way. It helps to know that other people go through these things.
I think so many people can relate to this. I defiantly have a weight that my body naturally will be if I just eat ok, and the weight I would like to be if I keep on top of exercise and healthy eating. I have just come back from holiday where I ate so much junk without even thinking. I really have to constantly think about what I am eating because I just get carried away and my brain switches off! It is such a bad habit.
I needed to read this post today, Kelly. I have been struggling with the exact same thing. It seems like just when I get to the point where my clothes are fitting a bit more loosely, I’ll overdo it and suddenly my pants are tight and I’m feeing bad again. Then I feel bad for feeling bad in the first place. It’s a nasty little cycle. I think you’re exactly right about it being a journey. I look forward to hearing more of your insight!
I touched a little on these kinds of feelings in a post I called “The Battle of Me vs Myself” where I admitted feeling guilty sometimes for not maintaining the weight goal I once set, how I broke up (mostly) with calorie counting, and that sometimes it’s better to enjoy life (or food) than let it consume you. I loved this post and I think it’s so easy to relate to how you feel. I also think the term “happy weight” can be misleading, because your happiness overall should not be solely wrapped around your weight. If I lost 5lbs, I would still be in all the same situations of my life as I am right now, I’d just be dealing with them while having slightly looser jeans. It’s not going to solve any of my real life problems (like figuring out how to buy my first house). I have to do that myself.
I feel like I could have written this (except for the tiny person part – Im 5’7). I eat healthier than most people that I know but I definitely also probably eat more than most people I know. I always tell myself that even though eating a serving of hummus is healthy, a tub is not. Of course, I still eat it.
I really appreciate your honesty and enjoy your blog. I struggle too. I try. . . everyday, but I do struggle.
“I eat from boredom. I eat because I deserve it. I eat because I had a bad day. I eat because I need comfort. I eat because I exercised. I’m full, but I should eat some more because after all, I did exercise.”
Are you talking about me???
I feel like this is me you are talking about! I can’t wait to hear more…
I feel like this is me you are talking about! I can’t wait to hear more…
What a great post! I can definitely relate to this as I think that no matter how hard I work, I’ll always hold onto some of my bad dietary habits. I’ve been stress eating lately because work is driving me crazy. It stinks because I know better, but it’s so hard to keep it in check sometimes. I actually just left myself a little Post-It note on my monitor at work that reminds me it’s better to go for a short walk than eat when I’m stressed.
I’m definitely “guilty” of the things you mention in your last paragraph too. I’ve gained over 10 pounds since I started my food blog. :/ I need to change this pronto, but without giving up blogging.
I am anxious to read the rest of your story as it evolves and comes to life. So much of what you wrote resignates with me and the more I get to know you the more I realize how many similarities I see in us. I learn so much from you and you inspire me. Thank you for your blog Kelly!
Hugs Kelly! It’s so amazing to see how far you’ve come, and I’m so happy for you. It’s normal to feel this way, but I hate for you to be so hard on yourself. I think most of us overeat during marathon training. I really think it’s near impossible to stop eating out of boredom or because food is in front of you when you’re logging such high mileage. But I do know how you feel!
Great post. I love that you voice these very honest thoughts that, I suspect, many of us share. Like you, my habits are so much better than they used to be, but I still have so many bad eating habits. As far as the happy weight issue, I go back and forth. I think I view my weight as the problem when I’m actually feeling bad/ashamed/frustrated that I can’t either a. eat exactly the way I thought I should of b. make my body do what I want it to do, including losing weight. It’s a complex issue and I hope you reach your desired outcome.
Thanks so much, Nicole.
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Such a beautiful and honest post! I think that it is important for us to find our “happy weight”. Personally – as someone who has struggled with eating disorders in the past – i need to allow myself to eat just because i want to from time to time: to have a treat because depriving myself of that treat would cause too much mental anxiety. But I also think it’s important to realize that this should happen every day, all the time. Finding our own “balance” point is so important, and I think it is great that you are sharing your journey to that place!
Thanks so much Marian! And I’m so happy you’re in a better place now.
I just have to say that this post spoke to me. Especially the last paragraph. I find that even though I try to eat healthy and I know what I’m suppose to be eating, I sometimes eat just because or I worry that I’m missing out on something. It is encouraging to me to know that other healthy eaters sometimes struggle with this as well. I look forward to your next post!
Thanks so much Leah. I think I get hung up on how some people don’t seem to struggle with this at all which makes me feel worse. It’s really good to know that by admitting this, I’ve made you feel a bit better about it.
Kelly, thank you for sharing this and for being so beautifully honest. As I’m sure you can see from everyone else who has commented on this amazing post, you are not alone in feeling this way! We all have different relationships with food and food and weight have played a different role in everyone’s life. I, like you, am happy to be in a much better place than I was years ago when food was more of my enemy than anything else. You summed it up perfectly when you called finding the right food/weight balance a journey. Thank you again for being so honest and real. You have a lot of fans and supporters and I’m happy to be one of them! Your blog continually inspires me – keep it up!
Hi Kelly, like many, I can totally relate to this post (thanks for sharing!). Your definitions of happy weight are point on and while I’ve used all 3 it’s the 3rd one that has been my focus. After many many years of counting calories, healthy living blogs help me pay attention to the quality of food, both in their nutrition value & their taste. “I eat when I’m not hungry because it’s time to eat. I eat because the food looks good and I might never see this food again.” <— As someone who more often than not eats for connivence over taste, this honesty hit home. When something breaks up my normal food choices I have to have it, regardless my hunger level. I usually pick the healthy options but it's still a question of quantity and intuitive eating …. really listening to the what & why of eating. Thanks again!